#96: Everything about having a baby will probably be hard, and no one else will admit it!
22 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in Your Body
The first thing I noticed when I was 2 months pregnant and throwing up all night long was that most women I talked to were not very willing to admit they experienced the same thing. Some did have horrible morning sickness, but rarely did any woman admit to me that it was as bad as I was experiencing it to be. I would come into work and moan at my desk that I wanted to die. To my friends and sister I said in terrified whispers that I thought I had made a mistake, because I couldn’t take one more night of sleeping on the bathroom floor. I luckily found a book titled “Pregnancy Sucks” and went about reading that all the things I thought I was insane for thinking were actually perfectly normal. I was not the glowing, bright eyed picture of a reproductive miracle.
I was pregnant once before my most recent child, which ended in miscarriage at 3 months. I had fervently read “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” word for word while pregnant and was absolutely devastated to discover when flipping through it a day after my miscarriage that the chapter with respect to miscarriage was the last one. This made me think: how many women don’t admit to a miscarriage or don’t even hint at the possibility because they feel a failure or feel it is taboo? How many things about pregnancy, pregnancy loss, giving birth or mothering are swept under the rug because women don’t want to readily share their experiences. The very FIRST thing I needed to know about when pregnant was what might indicate a miscarriage. Why on earth would I need to read this chapter a month after a baby was BORN!? I had actually experienced some symptoms that, had they put this chapter first, might have led me to realize sooner I was miscarrying.
The fact is, the authors most likely felt it morbid to tell pregnant women anything bad might happen. Other women probably feel the same when they discuss pregnancy. But I am not of the same mind. I think information is power, and discussing miscarriage or admitting to having one (or more) is not what can make someone lose a baby. Telling women that they may throw up all night for 13 weeks straight is not misinformation. Knowing this and passing along a little advice to keep a box of crackers on the nightstand might actually prevent it at first!
I made it my goal while pregnant to not lie about my symptoms, to not feel embarrassed to admit I was feeling more like a host to an evil parasite at times than a beautiful picture of health. I admitted when asked that I was exhausted and thought the baby might hate me already! I admitted that every day was some new health challenge, from indigestion to not being able to walk to the store. When my friends got pregnant and called me to commiserate, I agreed that the morning sickness was a cruel punishment for conceiving and that it made you wish you had never met your spouse. In short, I did not reiterate the 3 stupid pages in the pregnancy books I read that suggested eating ginger and ‘staying active’.
After my miscarriage, almost every woman who had children admitted to me they had had a miscarriage. Some of these women were close to me, yet in years had never said they had lost a baby. Although this is personal and I don’t suggest everyone has to shout it from the rooftops (I sure didn’t), I think we owe it to other women to admit that bad things happen sometimes and that if they do, you are no less of a woman. I feel like if we all share information about pregnancy and childbirth, we can all empower each other to make it through the experience with knowledge, a few laughs and some support.
I had wracked my brain while pregnant on ways to find underwear that fit. I googled it, went to every store and even asked each sales clerk what underwear I could get on me that wouldn’t cut off my circulation or roll down into a useless bunch of material under my belly. No one had the answer for 4 months until I asked a friend who had 3 children. “Underwear? I don’t bother wearing it for the last 3 months of pregnancy! Just give up on it!” I laughed and proceeded to the bedroom to peel off my uncomfortable underwear and voila, FREEDOM!
My next lesson in choosing my own path for mothering and the lack of support came while I was in childbirth. The last 10 hours of my 42 hours of labour consisted of doctors (all women I might add) telling me I would not be able to give birth naturally. I had chosen to have a doula (a labour coach and support person) as well and each time they would leave she and the nurses would tell me “you can do this”. That piece of information is vital when you are doing something as difficult as giving birth. You can do it. Choose what you want and stick to it. Believe in yourself and don’t worry about what ANY other woman is doing or says you have to do. Advice about childbirth from women the whole ten months of my pregnancy consisted of horror stories and “why on earth would you refuse an epidural?” repeated to me. I have learned that if each woman had told me some tricks they tried, what made them feel empowered or that I was capable of doing it at all, I might have felt a lot better going in. In the end, I got this from some women and my doula and had a healthy baby girl on my own terms.
Once my baby was born, I thought I would be empowered from the experience and a master of my own body. What I discovered was that my body was still not my own and that my self esteem was worse than it had ever been after the experience. Again, not something any woman ever had admitted to me. Although I had gained and lost lots of weight before, I had not thought of how hard that might be with 2 hours sleep and a torn vagina! I think this part of post-partum is not discussed enough in books and each woman needs to know it will be very hard to get back on track to feeling yourself.
Gather all the information you can about pregnancy, childbirth and mothering. But ask the women around you to tell you the truth and as you experience it, don’t be afraid to do the same. The entire experience may be wonderful for you and this is also important to share. If someone only wants to pass along horror stories about childbirth, ask them instead to give a little helpful advice and that you don’t need to hear about things that might increase your worry. The use of midwives has increased in recent years and I believe this is partly why. Women sharing information and supporting each other is vital to understanding the experience of pregnancy and childbirth, because we are the only ones who truly understand the experience.
And don’t be afraid to admit you went without underwear for 3 months. You never know what other woman will thank you for it when she feels free to do the same.
